Welcome to My Journal

this journal will include triggering and maybe violent or sexual topics. this is your warning.

december 20th, 2022: hello, I am Aali. It is 20th of december, year 2022. 11:11 PM, PST. I am 15 years old. I am trying to cook ramen with eggs in it. garlic, sage, red pepper. looks like zombie brains but tastes good. I'm so lonely. I'm so bored. can someone save me. I feel so alone. I dont know what to do. I feel so sad. And I have no one.

december 21st

12 am: i miss my ex so much, i miss talking to people in general. i havent left my house in so long. i have a throbbing headache. the ramen tasted good at first then slowly started tasting nasty, I ate about half of it. I'll eat the rest later. I think I might cry, I feel so lonely. I wish I was dead, and I kinda wanna hurt myself. 2:30 am: I might write something. I wanna get over my long writers block. if I do, I might write it here. 3 am: touch me. see me. talk to me. see me see me see me see me see me. dont leave. please. i hate being alone. why am i always alone. I can hear the screaming in my head. the feelings building. i want to scream till my lungs are damaged. I wanna stab, 1, 4, 7, 12, 20, 35, 48, 53, 67, 78, 86, 93, 100 goddamn times until i am dead. just to get these thoughts out of my fucking head. i feel so goodamn intense. i want it, i need it, the thing i need the thing i need the thing i need, ill never get! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I dont feel okay. 3:30 am: i wish i wasnt alone. i hate this. i may sleep

it is 8:40 AM. I got like 4 hours of sleep. I just laid in bed for 10 minutes, doing nothing, thinking of them.. I miss them more than anything. I'm trying to write music, and failing. I have no creativity. 10:03 am: i loved u so much. i still do. but you dont. so fuck you. i hate you. (and love you.) i cant believe you dont care. (i wish you loved me as much as i love you) fuck you. (i thought you were the one, im so sad this is happening.) 11:24 AM: I might bake. 12:58: got so many presents. excited. might bake. 1:16 PM: i want to commit suicide. 2:28 PM: But I'm too lazy to. I crave the taste of raw meat. and I wanna bake badly. I've had almost 40 failed relationships. I just want someone to love me. please, love me. 7:55 p.m: I'm on a fun platonic voice call, it feels so good. and i just drank hot coacoa. I'm on ep 2 of YOU, I like it so far. 8:23 pm: i hurt my ankle 3 hours ago. it still hurts so much. I dont wanna use medicine, I dont deserve medicine. My family needs it. 8:31 pm: I saved, I took meds. Tasted nasty but its going away so its fine. dad gave me a ice pack. I feel like a burden.

December 23rd

2:44 pm: I was sad at first, then ok, then empty, then happy then- it keeps changing. I made a new friend. Might call em after my shower. I had a brownie for breakfast, yummy. 4:00 PM: my bio mom might be coming here. I'm so excited. 5:00 PM: im so hungry. 5:50 PM: I ate so so much beans, and a lil cheese. so many beans. enough for 2 weeks. 1 can. ew. good at first then bad, I had lots of yummy juice and a cookie though. yum. 10:09 PM: ITS ALMOST CHRISTMAS! SO EXCITED!

december 28th

I got lots of christmas presents, some of which I gave away. I also tried to stab myself, yelled at my family, told my family i'd kill them all, and they had to hide all the knives cuz I was legit trying so hard to go into the kitchen and stab myself. (my mom and sisters had to hold me back as my grandma took and hid all the knives and sharp objects downstairs.) but then I went and got paint and started to work on my DIY loki horns. i'm gonna let it dry, then add a lil bit more glue, and then spray paint it gold. so excited. my lil sister melody might go with me as a fairy to the cosplay convention I'm going to in feb.